Filming Shortly

Those of you who have been paying close attention to my status updates (read: shut-ins, the mentally unstable, or my mother) may have noticed that I've been doing a bit less standup lately. This drop-off isn't because my standup hasn't been going well. On the contrary, my career (a term I'm using loosely until someone actually starts paying me) has been going fairly well as of late. I got to open for Judah Friedlander the other night; I've been doing regular hosting gigs at The Village Lantern, where I'm getting better at using my abundance of charm to compensate for my modestly improving hosting skills; and I've had a number of people come up to me after shows and tell me how funny I was, which, after all, is the ultimate goal for a shameless praise-whore such as myself. Like a good woman, standup has been treating me far better than I deserve, and I have every intention of keeping it around until it notices.

However, the extremely relative degree of success I've been experiencing lately rekindled my love of comedy writing in general. In college, I wanted to be a screenwriter, and I wrote several screenplays, which the folly of youth allowed me to believe were exceptional. I even tried to get one of them produced, to limited success. That is to say, my success was mostly limited to abject failure. At the time, I believed that this was my one and only chance to get anything made, and with the project's demise, I abandoned the idea that I could ever be a successful writer. I'd still occasionally put my fingers to the keyboard, but less out of professional ambition than to justify my OKCupid Profile's claim that I was a writer. After all, if there's one thing women hate more than a failure, it's a liar. But it turned out they disliked me even more, so the point was a bit moot.

But then I started writing standup, and to my surprise, some of my material actually resonated with people. When I first started out, the few laughs that I got here and there were so incredibly validating that I kept writing more and more. And the more I wrote, the more and better laughs I got. And the better I got at standup, the more my mind drifted back to writing screenplays. After a while, I wanted to try to make something again, but I didn't know what. A fire was further lit under me when I heard an interview with one of my comedy heroes, Patton Oswalt, who talked about how, with the fact that these days it's easier than ever to shoot and edit video, if you want to make something there's no reason not to. And though I still wasn't sure what to make quite yet, I was determined to make it.

I did end up making something, though it wasn't exactly the personal statement I was craving. In the hours before Hurricane Sandy barreled down on New York, I found myself shooting a small music video with a friend and occasional director, Soren Miltich. It was just an impromptu project to help out a friend and collaborate with some good people. And despite the fact that I can barely operate a cheese grater, much less a camera, the video actually came out fairly well. (As soon as the artist is ready to release it, I'll post something further about that project here, but that story is for another day.) When editing of the video was more or less done, Soren expressed an interest in collaborating on something again, perhaps with slightly more planning and significantly less gale force winds. A few weeks later, I came back with ten short scripts, which we whittled down to what we considered to be the four strongest. And thus, Kings County, our new project, was born and tentatively titled.

The idea was to create a short, comedic web series that was simple enough to shoot with limited time, minimal actors, and what little money I had in my pocket. So I decided to focus on the immediate world around me and make a series of sketches based around a revolving cast of young, delusional, and self-involved inhabitants of Brooklyn as they scour New York City in search of creative outlets, survival jobs, and ways to contribute to society without cutting into their "me" time. The initial sketches were designed to be simple in scope, but to begin establishing a universe in which future projects could take root. I don't want to spoil too much of the surprise, but some of the things you can expect to see on the streets of New York include protest singing, soul-crushing fund raising, homeless credentials, and conceptual-docu-video portraiture.

While Mr. Oswalt may be correct that it's easier than ever to make something, it's still quite difficult to make something good. It's not enough to have a singular vision and an iPhone, you need talented actors and talented crew to help you achieve your goals, and most importantly, you need them to be willing to work for next to nothing. It can be very difficult to get talented people to work for less than their talent is worth, especially if, like me, you are a hermit-like introvert who hates to ask favors of your friends because that would require talking to someone. But somehow, we managed to find a large number of people who were excited enough about my scripts to give up their weekends in exchange for little more than being involved with the project. But even so, once you've managed to find the talent to put behind your project, coordinating their schedules can prove to be more difficult than solving a Rubik's Cube at a rave. But if people are excited enough, you can always make something work, and in spite of it all we managed to get all the pieces in place for an incredible shoot this weekend!

Unfortunately, The Weather Channel then promised to rain on our parade, and possibly strike it with lightning, forcing us to postpone the shoot. And of course, the weekend ended up being filled with nothing but mockingly sunny skies, at which we shook our fits while cursing the names of the responsible meteorologists. But despite this minor setback, the pieces remain in place, and I've come too far to quit now, so there's nothing for it but to consult the pieces' calendars and reschedule. In the next few weeks, our cast and crew shall reconvene on the streets of New York to knock out the first four episodes of our web series, and I think that in the end, you'll find them to have been worth the wait.

And of course, this is just the beginning. Once we have these shorts in the bag as a sample of what we can do, I'm planning to use them to help raise funds for some more ambitious projects. But always the generous spirit, I didn't want to ask anyone to give me money until I'd given them something first. So these first four videos will be on me, and I hope that you'll enjoy my gift to you as soon as the weather permits.

-TC

Famous Nobodies

I'll freely admit that I'm a spiteful person. But not in the way that most people are spiteful. Typically, the average person must be provoked to spite by extraordinary circumstances. It's an act to engage when someone has committed a serious, personal offense, or at very least served you a bad coffee. But I don't simply wait for spite to happen. I relish it, embrace it, and seek it out at all opportunities. Because, really, how many good stories, jokes, or major works of literature revolve around everyone being happy, getting along, and going on picnics together? The answer is, of course, none. Blood feuds, petty grievances, and even just plain misunderstandings are the fuel for an interesting day. So I, for one, am always grateful for every opportunity I find to develop a new nemesis. You might even say that whenever I shake my fist at someone, it's my way of saying, "Thank you for this opportunity."

But sometimes I worry that I may take my spitefulness a bit too far. For example, my girlfriend and I were walking down the street the other day, which is always a bad starting point in New York City, as you can't make it through a single block without finding something to obstruct your path, offend your senses, or badger you for a donation. Elderly ladies hobbling to their appointments with death; garbage piles of the size of a school bus; cheery, smock-draped clipboard holders who mistake the inability to avoid eye contact for a philanthropic disposition; puddles of feces that could equally well have come from an old Labrador or a young wino. Irritation is everywhere, and all the headphones in the world can't keep it out.

However, on this particular occasion, the streets were relatively clean and clear, and I sauntered on my merry way unhindered. But almost inevitably, my bouncing stride was broken when I passed through a small group of people, who at first sight seemed like nothing more than an uncollected group of tourists. That is, until the hive mind kicked in and they formed into a collective paparazzo mob that swarmed around me with cameras flashing. For a brief moment I thought, "My reputation precedes me!" Of course, I quickly realized that their attention was not drawn to the tall, devilishly handsome, and grossly under appreciated comedian, but instead was focused on a couple of young ladies getting out of a limousine. Using my astute powers of deduction, I concluded that given the attention they were receiving, these ladies must be famous. I tried to catch a glimpse of the young starlets, but I was disappointed to discover that I had no idea who the women in question were.

With that realization, I was suddenly seized with an urge to approach them and inform them of my discovery. I didn't want an autograph or a photo; I just wanted them to know that they weren't really as famous as they think they are, and they certainly weren't important enough to interrupt interrupt my travels.

Bear in mind that celebrities are a dime a dozen in New York, and when I do manage to catch a glimpse of one of my favorite artists in day-to-day life, I have no urge to let them know how much their work has meant to me or collect evidence to prove that our paths once crossed. But these people were different. They weren't people I had adored from afar, they were just the objects of a media entourage that had momentarily impeded the flow of my day, and the only interest I had in their aura of importance was to take it down a couple notches.

In the end, I decided that as glorious as the moment of spite could have been, my girlfriend might not have felt that making a couple young girls cry would set the best tone for our date. So I let the moment pass, certain that something equally trivial would come along to vex me as soon as she'd gone home. But I like to think that maybe one of those girls will stumble upon this post some day, reflect back on that strange tall man who glared at them on their way to dinner, and shed a small tear for their long-past fifteen minutes. What can I say? I'm a dreamer.

-TC

The Business of Safety

When I went into my local subway station the other day and found two police officers standing just inside the turnstiles, I immediately froze. Of course, I knew I hadn't done anything wrong and had nothing to hide. I wasn't smuggling any drugs, I don't own any weapons, concealed or otherwise, and I'd long since washed off that hooker's DNA. But any time I'm confronted with law-enforcement officers, I get this paranoid voice in the back of my head saying, "I hope they don't stop me, maybe I am drug mule and it just slipped my mind." But as usual, I gave that possibility a moment of careful consideration, and decided that it wasn't an especially likely scenario. With that settled, I headed fearlessly into the suwbay.

But it turned out that my paranoia was even more misplaced than usual, as the officers weren't even searching bags or anything. Instead, they were simply handing out cards. I took one out of curiosity, and found that it was a business card for the NYPD's counter-terrorism unit. It didn't say much more than "If You See Something, Say Something" and a phone number. At first I was puzzled, then a bit disconcerted by the realization that the people who are responsible for my safety are stooping to this level. After all, they've got to be scraping the bottom of the idea barrel if they're resorting to the same investigative tactics as the unlicensed dentist. But even the dentist isn't wasting the time of uniformed police officers. At least he has the business sense to employ freshly arrived immigrants in smocks with cartoon teeth on them to stand by the exits jamming flyers into the hands of anyone distracted enough to take them. And if the cops wanted to gauge the efficacy of this plan, they need look no further than the nearest garbage can, which is usually overflowing with discarded offers for free whitening. (As a side note, I once went to that dentist, and I hope the police are at least as well-versed in torture methods should anyone actually call them.)

I couldn't help but wonder, do the police really think that what's been stopping everyone from reporting subway terrorists is that people don't know the phone number? In this age where iPhones are easier to come by than phone books, do they really think the average person is so lazy as to think, "Well, my neighborhood may be moments away from being consumed in a massive ball of fire, but Siri can't recognize the word 'thermonuclear,' and fuck if I'm going to type that in.

Or maybe they're hiding the fact that the counter-terrorism unit had it's funding cut, and an order from Vista Print was all they had left in the budget. Like how private investigators can weasel a candid interview out of just about anyone by handing them a thirty-cent business card with a fake name and credentials no one will ever bother to check. Maybe the police are hoping that no one will call, but we'll all think, "they wouldn't have a phone number if someone wasn't on the other end of the line, so I can rest easy knowing that someone is working tirelessly around the clock to keep this subway free from anything more dangerous than a hobo's urine." Maybe if the MTA started handing out contact info for the Hobo Urine Sanitation Division, we'd stop noticing that as well.

Whatever their thinking is, I hope they don't continue further down this road. The day I see a cop standing outside the subway jiggling a coffee cup and holding a sign that reads, "Bombs Please, God Bless" is the day I'm moving to a safer city. Or at least a city where they can afford double-sided business cards. There's comfort in production value.

-TC

Bonne Bouche

Anyone who knows me knows that I love food. I love making it, I love eating it, I love talking about it, and most importantly, I love having it handed to me. So when a friend asked me if I'd be interested in helping out with a quick editing project in exchange for some free butter and bacon, I immediately and enthusiastically started heating up the frying pan. Perhaps I'm taking the "will work for food" idea a bit too far, as most self-respecting professionals might have at least asked, "how much butter are we talking here?" But I've spent my whole life on the search for the elusive, even mystical Free Lunch, and the value I place on a comped meal is far too great for such petty concerns as the value of time.

So it was that I helped stitch together this fun little piece for a wonderful company in my home state, Vermont Butter & Cheese Creamery. All credit is due to its stars, and the amazing cheeses that no doubt fueled them through the grueling shooting process. If you want to see some good people having fun and be put in the mood for a Vermont cheese party of your very own, check it out!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E1FMNha1YTc

PS, No, I'm not sharing my commission with you. It's too good.

-TC

Welcome to HoveringGiraffe.com!

Hello!

That's right, I've migrated my blog yet again! This time it's not out of simple tumblr malaise or a search for a newer, hipper blogging service to make me cooler in the eyes of the kiddies. Rather, it's due to the launching of my brand new website! I'd tell you the address, but, well, you're here, aren't you?This site was designed for me by the lovely and talented Leah Clark, and is meant to aggregate and showcase my various works, especially my nascent standup career and my various writing projects. Some of the pages herein are a bit spare at the moment, but don't worry, there will be lots more content to come. Most notably, I'll be continuing to update my standup page with clips, show dates, and anything else I can think of; and I'm currently collaborating with a director friend of mine on some original comedy shorts we'll be shooting soon. Plus, I'll actually start updating this blog thingamy again with more observations on everything personal, professional, and philosophical. And maybe I'll even throw up a cat picture now and again for good measure.So check back soon, and thanks for reading!

-TC

Rolling in It

Most of my culinary life has been consumed by an epic battle with dough. Granted, it tends to be the sort of epic battle where one warrior tribe regularly goes to the supermarket and purchases frozen heads to present to their villagers as freshly severed. But the battle rages on nonetheless, even if only in the minds of those who receive my ill-gotten spoils.

It’s been a considerable source of annoyance in my life that I hold a deep fondness for pie, but am incapable of producing a basic crust that even the most devoted mother would be able to turn the corners of her mouth up at when her five-year-old approaches her on Mother’s Day and proudly proclaims, “Look what I did!” And I can’t even fathom how bread can be produced in such massive quantities when the sheer volume of timber required to keep up the supply of Betty Crocker boxes would drive entire ecosystems to the brink of extinction.

After years of quiet acquiesence to my fate as being nothing more than a purchaser of baked goods, I decided to tackle to the problem head-on. It’s difficult to feel like a man while being constantly bested by a series of fluffy pastries (or, more frequently, insufficiently fluffy pastries), and there’s only so much indignity a man can suffer before he must stand up, raise his pastry brush on high, and scream to the heavens, “Enough!” So it was that I set out to conquer my nemesis, vowing never to rest until the tears of my dinner guests had ebbed to a mere trickle.

I decided to begin my journey with a simple pizza crust. I figured that the unreasonably large quantity of pizza I’ve devoured since the Ninja Turtles successfully dismantled my parent’s pro-vegetable agenda must have bestowed upon me an innate understanding of how the basic ingredients work. Without bothering to reflect on how long it’s been since the last time I made my own cheese, I dove into my first pizza dough. But in a matter of minutes I discovered that I lacked one of the most vital ingredients: common sense.

I’ve always read that baking is a more exact science than, say, grilling or boiling because ingredients really need to be in correct proportions. This is not simply to produce the desired taste, which is a subjective matter and can bend to the whims of the chef, but rather to produce the requisite chemical reactions to cause the ingredients to structurally behave how they’re intended to. So when baking, I tend to assume that the person who created the instructions knows more than I do, and much like the second-grader who breaks down in epileptic fits if the promised Slot A was not around to have Tab A insterted into it, I resist any temptation to think independently and make my measurements unquestioningly until someone else points out that souffle isn’t typically supposed to be incandescent.

But in reality, this scientific approach isn’t as exact as one might expect. Whether due to measurement, quality of ingredients, humidity, or whatever, subtle (and occasionally drastic) adjustments must sometimes be made when the theoretical ingredients are combined into an unfortunate reality. To make these adjustments, the chef needs a discerning eye with which to assess their product as it is being constructed. However, not having a wealth of experience to draw from, I opted to throw my discerning eye out the window and replace it with a healthy dose of blind subordination.

I followed my directions to the letter and upon mixing the ingredients together, I couldn’t help wondering why my dough had roughly the same consistency as uncooked Jell-O. As much as I wanted to avoid critical thinking, the solution seemed fairly obvious: I needed to add more flour. So I proceeded to do so until I had more or less doubled what the recipe had originally demanded. While the casual observer might still have mistaken the contents of my bowl for a watery and oddly beige cottage cheese, I was sure I’d used far too much flour and decided to stop in the hopes that some as yet unknown magic in the kneading process would turn my goopy mess into something more useful.

And it did. No sooner did I pick up my concoction than I found myself in possession of a brand new, form-fitting, dough colored glove that I couldn’t remove to save my life. My girlfriend was due to arrive any minute, and I was overcome by the image of my life quickly descending to the level of a sitcom where I have to open the door with my mouth and make increasingly implausible excuses for why I have to keep hiding my hand and backing out of rooms (football injuries, war wounds, training for the Olympic tryouts in the reverse 100 yard dash, etc.). I was thankfully spared from any such ruse when extensive use of three different faucets finally freed me of the unwanted garment, and instead I only had to explain to my date why I had three clogged drains.

As I didn’t want my newly-freed arm to be gnawed off by my dinner guest, I quickly launched into my second attempt, which was considerably more successful. After the previous debacle I decided to ignore all instructions to the contrary and just keep adding more and more flour until I had made a dough ball that I could dribble with. This approach went much more smoothly, and I was convinced that I had managed to pull off a coup. That is, until I removed my dough from the refrigerator and wondered why it hadn’t risen as much as it was supposed to. Assuming that I’d just set my rising hopes too high, I went ahead with the scheduled agenda and an hour later found myself eating my very first unleavened pizza. Only then did I realize that quadrupling the flour had probably left the original, paltry quantity of yeast unable to do more than enjoy a quick nibble on the surrounding carbohydrates before passing out from exhaustion.

Undeterred, I decided to shift my attention to pie crusts. Some of my earliest baking failures had been with pie crusts, so I optimistically decided that they should be my last. What is more, I decided to conquer them when trapped on a mountain with a roomful of virtual strangers. After all, the pressure of my own expectations can be a bit daunting, so why not alleviate them by surrounding myself with the expectations of others? But erring on the side of caution, I decided to make two pies. That way I could pass off the first pie as a practice round if it proved inedible.

Again, the troubles set in early, and again, they could have easily been avoided with the most modest amount of thought. I’d accidentally bought wheat flour instead of all-purpose flour. But since I didn’t have my car and couldn’t bear the embarrassment of asking someone to drive me to town so I could exchange the bag of flour I hadn’t had time to read to read, I decided to assume that, years of eating wheat bread notwithstanding, there wasn’t really any difference between white and wheat flour.

Making the substitution was simple enough, but I quickly found another measurement problem. Even after using triple the recommended amount of ice water to collect the dough, it was as dry as an economics textbook and twice as difficult to work with. But ignoring my instincts once more, I decided to assume the the author of my recipe had both prescribed the right amount and made allowances for my shopping deficiencies. So I decided to love my dough unconditionally and roll that sucker right out.

Rolling to my first pie crust in ages led me to question the infallibility of my recipe for the first time when I noticed that in order to roll my crust to a size that would cover the requisite pie plate, I had to roll it so thin that only its dubious structural integrity would have kept it from passing as cellophane. Rolling has always been a challenge for me as I tend to under-flour my counter tops like they were pizza dough. And my sorely remedial rolling skills aren’t helped by being applied to something so thin it defies friction. But after enlisting a second set of hands, we managed to transfer what we were generously agreeing to call a crust into the waiting pie plate with only minimal tearing, which was easy enough to cover up as the beach-like consistency prevented any individual cracks from being apparent. While the end product was a bit more crumbly and dry that might have been ideal, it held together functionally and was actually quite tasty. Perhaps not the greatest success story in the history of western civilization, but it was leaps and bounds from my first disastrous pizza crust.

Pie Number 2, much like pizza 2, went much better. I’d managed to find just enough regular flour for one double pie crust, used just enough water to get it to collect without resembling The Wicked Witch of the West during monsoon season, and rolled it out with only minimal counter sticking. Had I been making a five inch pie, my crust would have been perfect. However, as before, I hadn’t accounted for the possibility that the recipe I was using might not accurately reflect the size of your average pie plate. (I like to think that the recipe didn’t account for the fact that Americans are so overweight that even our pie plates need a few extra notches on the belt.) But by this point, my lovely kitchen assistant and I had perfected our four-handed traslucent dough moving technique and transferred our crusts at the appropriate times. And when the finished product emerged from the oven, it more than made up for its lack of thickness with buttery deliciousness.

Having experienced some notable success with my final pie, I decided to up the ante and take on empanada dough. The recipe would be similar enough to the pie crusts that I could learn from my previous pitfalls, but would present the added the challenge of having to perform the dreaded task of rolling an extra eleven times.

Armed with only my wits and, thanks to the unexpected realization that I don’t own a rolling pin, a heavily floured fifty-cent cup from Target, I stared destiny in the eyes and I. Made. Empanadas. The dough was closer to perfection than I ever could have imagined, and rolled with all the ease of a joint at a Phish concert. With the help of a light egg wash, they emerged from the oven perfectly brown, perfectly flaky, and perfectly moist. If a fault could be found, it was that they weren’t served at the feet of kings.

And so it was that I held my head high and for the first time I emerged from the kitchen not as a purchaser of baked goods, but as their producer, their master, their equal. That night I was the baker man. That’s right, a man.

Now if I could only figure out how to make cupcakes…

-TC

The Calm Before the Perm

I haven’t updated this blog in a while. Not for the usual reason, which is that I have nothing of value to say. Rather, I’ve been too busy to update it with the various nothings of value that I have to say. But now that the subway system is grinding to a halt and I am trapped in Queens with only a limited amount of electricity-fueled Arrested development to sustain me, I thought now would be the perfect opportunity to take a few minutes to share something that happened while I was out and about preparing for the impending storm.

First, though, let me start by saying that I’m not one to quickly adopt ridiculous terminology like “Frankenstorm” every time that something more severe than a light mist descends on the city. Call me old fashioned, but I have a bit of a hard time believing that a cute hash tag somehow makes death from the sky acceptable.

That being said, I figured I should play it safe stock up on a few of the essentials in case I find myself without internet access long enough for my own thoughts to bubble up to the surface and start occupying my attention again. And on my way back from the store, six-pack and jug of water in hand, I came across a sight that nicely summed up my feelings on New York.

The weather was far from brutal at this point, but it was certainly becoming ominous. The sky was gray, the trees were swaying and shedding their leaves. My neighborhood looked like the movie Twister just before everyone stops fast-forwarding. Everything seemed more or less exactly like what you’d expect just before a major storm hit.

And then I passed a local salon, which was still open. The simple fact that it was open wasn’t all that surprising. People need their paychecks now more than ever, and you can’t expect a business to close just because of an impending apocalypse. But what surprised me was that, just like the grocery store, hardware store, and Duane Reade, the beauty parlor was packed. Apparently, highlights are right up there next to batteries and water on the list of post-civilization necessities. In fact, the beauty parlor was so packed that not only were all the chairs inside occupied, but they’d dragged an extra one out onto the sidewalk where a woman in a surgical mask was typing on her iPhone while her hairdresser tried in vain to work a blow dryer on the woman’s wildly flailing strands. It was like watching Indiana Jones waving his torch at a snake pit, he kept them moving, but couldn’t pin any one of them down long enough to have an impact.

So let’s recap. The day is cold, the wind is whipping, and the air is too poisonous to breath. Everyone around you is scrambling like rats to find nourishment. But at this moment, nothing is quite as important to you as making sure you impress all the single fellows who made it to the fallout shelter. And that seemed to perfectly capture my feelings about New York as a whole. It’s not just the triumph of style over substance, it’s the triumph of style over common sense.

The fact that all this was taking place next to a life-sized, plastic, anthropomorphic bee didn’t exactly help either.

-TC

A Night in the Subway

I talk a lot about my experiences on the subway these days. Most New Yorkers do. In a city that is designed to accommodate as many people as possible while making sure that they never have to acknowledge each other’s existence, it’s only the people who shout louder than our earbuds that we have in common. And in a city with far more disposable income than cars, weirdos on the subway are so inevitable and so full of color that even the most humdrum, introverted lifestyle seems active and vibrant when viewed under the flickering flourescent light of the MTA. Not a day goes by that you don’t see at least one busker, fist fight, arrest, or self-pleasuring Japanese clown. And try as you might, you can’t ignore all of them.

And every once in a while, you have a single ride that nicely sums up the entire commuting experience. I was coming home from Harlem the other day when I had such good fortune, as a treasure trove of oddity paraded itself in front of me.

The first entrant was a homeless man trawling the cars for donations. But not to be confused with a simple beggar or the shameful indignity of a traveling hipster with a ukelele, he came equipped with a most unique approach to panhandling: he was the city’s first homeless stand-up comedian. His act was short, probably spanning about five minutes, but it was all on the theme of living below the poverty line. “This is my home,” he’d proudly declare, “a ten-car condominium. So pick up after yourselves when you leave, I’ve got company coming over tomorrow!” Not all of his punchlines were so easily comprehensible, though. He offered the following explanation for his current circumstance: “I had to leave home, with a wife like mine. She weighed 349 pounds…and that was on the weekend!”When his act was finished, he thanked the captive audience, collected a few coins, and proceeded on with his evening, only to be replaced by someone with an equally unique approach, even if not an equally compelling one. An elderly black man with a coffee cup full of change got on and asked, “What is this, the A train? Man, all the ugly motherfuckers get on the A train!” It seemed that we’d traded Jerry Seinfeld for Don Rickles.

I transferred to the E train at 59th Street to complete my voyage home. If anyone else finds themselves on an E train late at night, here’s an interesting game to while away the trip to Queens: scan the car, and carefully examine all your fellow passengers. Size them up, try to extrapolate their life stories and personalities as best you can. Then try to guess which one of them the smell is coming from. If you happen to be in the same car as an obviously intoxicated burn victim, the game won’t get you to the East River, so it’s good to have backup plans for distraction.

On this particular evening, I didn’t have to worry, as one was quickly provided in the form of the worst flute rendition of Hey Jude I’ve ever heard, performed by a man who hadn’t learned the most basic subway performer’s rule that if you’re playing a two-handed instrument, you should find something to lean on so you don’t fall over in the spotlight.

As he staggered towards the far end of the car, my eye began driftin over the shoulder of the woman sitting next to me. She was reading a Kindle with what seemed to be unusually large print for someone under eighty and with no corrective lenses. I have exceptionally bad eyes. But with contacts, I can still read print smaller than a billboard, and I tend to assume that if you can afford an e-reader, you can also afford a cheap pair of glasses. But nonetheless, this woman had opted to read her book with text so large that the average sentence couldn’t fit on a single page, and the unmistakably large characters kept drawing me back like a moth to a poorly spell-checked flame. The plot, as best as I could gather, revolved around a woman named Eboni, who seemed to be having some troubles with arson. I can’t say the plot was riveting, but it was better than staring at a business man’s crotch (my alternate means for entertainment), so I checked in every few pages to see how our protagonist was doing. Needless to say, I was a bit surprised when my eyes wandered over and read that a new character had been introduced into the narrative, and “he pushed his saliva coated head into her quivering mound of…”As the implications of large-print pornography started to sink in, the doors opened and I was home. I left the train and ascended to the surface world, where I couldn’t help but hope that the homeless comedian would soon get his much deserved Letterman spot, the flutist would make it off the train without chipping a tooth, and Eboni had found true love. She deserved it, after all she’d been through.

-TC

Hot Diggity Dog!

In this city, I never find myself at a loss for reasons to write off the human race as a nice idea whose time has passed.  The other day, I found another in a long series of examples when I stopped by a hot dog cart for a quick “meal.”  Surprisingly, my ire was not raised by contemplating the origins of the wares I was being served, something I learned to avoid long ago, but from one of my fellow patrons.

For my own part in this story, I simply ordered a hot dog, gave the vendor my money, then moved a few feet away to enjoy my logic-defyingly delicious treat before dashing off to the subway.  But about halfway through the perfectly boiled processed meat tube, I heard the guy who was standing behind me begin to berate the hot dog vendor.  I turned my attention back to the scene to see what the fuss was all about, and the hullabaloo seemed to have stemmed from the corner of the vendor’s hand sneaking around the corner of the paper and touching the man’s soon-to-be bun.

The man was livid.  “You should really be wearing gloves if you’re going to be touching my food,” he barked.  “Where is your license?”

I really wanted to turn to him and say, “you do realize that you’re basically eating intestinal scraps from the street, right? Is unwashed human flesh really a bigger health concern the the ground up hog anus you’re paying for?”  Let’s be realistic.  As much as we’d like to believe that we’re living in a sanitary society, I can guarantee that within the last two hours a homeless guy had pissed where he was standing and a pigeon has shit on this otherwise immaculate food preparation station.  This guy can put on gloves, he can wash his hands until the cows come home, and it’s not going to change the fact that he’s just a steam tray away from serving you out of a dumpster.

I like to think that the food poisoning came from my disgust with this scene rather any fecal matter that might have been on the vendor’s hands.

-TC

Standup Set #10

I don’t want to bore people with all the details of my nascent standup career, especially not at this point where I’m doing it at such an amateur level and have dubious skills. But I wanted to share something that happened the other day at my most recent show.

In general, my set went really well. While I wasn’t that confident in the material I had written for that week, and I had to actually stop halfway through my set to read my notes for the first time since starting this endeavor, I can still honestly say that I totally killed. This is the first time I can honestly say that, at least in reference to standup. Every single one of my jokes got a laugh from someone, and most of them were received well and boisterously by the whole room. Even the worst acts of the night got a little bit of a leg up from the fact that someone had brought eight or ten people with them, so there was a much higher ratio of normal people to frustrated comedians in the audience than usual. But I like to think that my success was at least in part the result of my giving a better performance than usual.

But I digress. What I really wanted to share was a little magic moment I had. As a comedian, the single biggest thing you want from an audience is laughter, and I got plenty of that. But there’s something else I notice a lot in comedy crowds, where something will resonate with a person, and they will playfully punch the person they’re with to signal something to the effect of, “Hey, you do that all the time,” or “isn’t that weird, we were just talking about that?” And for the very first time in my extremely short “career,” I saw that happening while I was on stage.

It’s great to get laughs however you can, but it’s also nice to be reminded every once in a while that they really are laughing with you rather than at you.

-TC

InGenius 2012 Review

InGenius 2012: Secrets Concealed/Secrets Revealed
By Christopher Ely

InGenius 2012: Secrets Concealed/Secrets Revealed ran from
Sunday-Tuesday, May 7-22. All performances were at 8pm at The Kraine
Theater. Presented by manhattan theatre source and The Writers’ Forum.

Manhattan Theatre Source’s InGenius festival returns once again with InGenius 2012: Secrets Concealed/Secrets Revealed, five one-act plays that showcase a diverse group of talent and exciting, inventive minds.

​The night begins with C.J. Ehrlich’s The Red & Green Room, a proto-No Exit for the video game set that evolves into a look at dedication, determination, and motivation. Eddie Furth is Luigi, the less famous Italian plumber who yearns for a chance to prove himself on stage. Eric Robertson is his older brother Mario, the star of the show who gets all the attention but must also suffer. Patrick Walsh as Yoshi and Stephanie Masucci as Princess Peach provide well-crafted emotion and flavor in their roles. Walsh in particular adeptly conveys the seasoned, reliable veteran who knows he’ll never be the star.

The Adventure of Barry Sachs, by Ed Malin, is film noir as told by an absurdist. Daniel Cohen is Barry Sachs, an old school private detective hired to find out the true story behind the death of a small-town mayor. His investigation sets him on a search for the Slovak Book and leads to encounters with a delightful mix of characters that, naturally, aren’t telling all they know and can’t be trusted entirely. Malin’s inventive wordplay and anarchic plotting create an ingeniously fun story but could have used more consistent pacing and assertive performances. James Reiser brings perfect manic energy to his role as the mayor’s son, and Chrysten Peddie adds magnificent intrigue as the mayor’s daughter and her lesbian partner.
In DeLisa White’s The Rationale, the President has just been assassinated and his staff is meeting to decide how to proceed to ensure the country’s best interests are protected. The weight of their decisions involves the things that most politicians won’t say out loud, and the entire cast—James Michael Armstrong, Paula Hoza, Mary Murphy, James Reiser, and John Say—does an excellent job in letting the silences and knowing glances fill the air to create tension and drive the action.

John McKinney’s Fly Season is the one of the show’s highlights. The most well-rounded piece of the evening, the writing is concise and developed, and both actors give enjoyable performances. Jessica Knutson plays Em’Lee, who has returned from New York City to her home down South to share some exciting news with her mother, played by Diane Tyler. Knutson is heart-wrenching in portraying Em’Lee’s struggle to draw her mother into her new life and showing her frustration whenever she realizes how easily she risks slipping back into her old one. Tyler similarly embodies her character fully, conveying Mama as someone who has been beaten down by the world. The ending, when she realizes what her attitude might truly cost her, provides a sweet, satisfying resolution.

The evening is capped off with Bones in the Machine, by Alaina Hammond, a reminder of the dangers of living in an age where you can be 23 forever thanks to camera phones and the Internet. Jessica Jennings plays a young teacher who is being asked to resign after a student has discovered an old video of her on Youtube giving a raunchy stand-up comedy performance. The confrontation with the headmistress, played by Katherine Wessling, becomes both an exciting duel of wits and a brilliant discourse on morality. Jennings is captivating in her role as she fights on knowing she will lose her job but can still walk away victorious. In a breathtaking—and hilarious—turn, she is ultimately able to seize the upper hand on her superior and walk away with her head held high.

As do the playwrights, directors, actors, and ultimately the audience.

Stand Up Set #2

Encouraged by last week’s showing, I returned to the stage this week at the same open mic. Shortly after arriving, a woman came in with a seven-year-old girl, who marched right up to the stage and plopped herself down in front of the microphone. The other performers started sweating bullets, as this was most decidedly not a family friendly room. For starters, the orthodox Jewish comedian and I were pretty much the only acts that didn’t have any jokes about masturbating to internet porn.

As it turns out, the little girl was a comic, with what I can only assume was a heavily ghost-written act. I have trouble imagining any seven-year-old knows that much about innuendo and parents with gambling problems.

Thankfully, she went on first, and was shuffled out the door quickly afterwards. On the down side, I went on next. And let me tell you, that was one tough act to follow.

-TC

My Stand-Up Debut

This will be my 100th blog post, and to mark that special occasion for all my dedicated followers (read: no one), I thought it would be appropriate to reflect on an actual accomplishment I’ve had instead of pure silliness. However, it’s an accomplishment born for silliness: last week, I finally worked up the nerve to realize a boyhood dream, and did stand-up for the very first time.

While I am beside myself with pride and excitement, it behooves me to be a bit realistic. I was only performing at an open mic in front of a very small crowd of people, who were almost all performing themselves; I wasn’t invited to the event, and had to pay five bucks for the privilege of spouting my nonsense at this abnormally kind and supportive audience; the median age of my fellow performers would make them a good decade my junior; and while I wasn’t the least funny person there, neither was the brain-damaged coke addict, who, save for some unavoidable issues with delivery, was actually pretty good.

While all this might lead someone to say that my performance wasn’t really any kind of achievement, I would respond to such skeptics by saying, “fuck that, I did stand-up!”

For much of my young life, my only goal was to be a comedian, and I’ve wanted to make people laugh for as long as I can remember. Comedians frequently have stories about a moment in their early years when they made someone laugh in one way or another, and they realized for the first time that the gift of humor could bring them attention and approval. For example, George Carlin had that moment of realization when his impressions of famous actors he’d never even seen would please his mother so much that she’d have him do them in front of all the neighbors.

I, on the other hand, had a very different experience. As a kid, I certainly realized the power that humor gave you over those around you. And I can remember thinking how the kids who could tell jokes were the ones who everyone looked up to as early as kindergarten. But whenever I tried to be one of those kids, I always fell flat. I wasn’t naturally funny, and whenever I tried to be, I felt the absence of laughter like a slap in the face. I wanted so desperately to be the funny kid in class, but alas, I just never had the knack for it. I was still drawn to the power of comedy to do everything from entertaining to healing, and I tried to cultivate the skill in my head. But I came to shy away from letting it out for fear of humiliation.

Another defining moment in my quest for hilarity came when I was ten years old, when my dad sat my brother and I down in front of the TV and made us watch George Carlin’s then new HBO special, “Jammin’ in New York.” I decided pretty quickly that it was the single funniest thing I’d ever seen, albeit due more to the excessive use of profanity than anything poignant in the material. (What do you want? I was ten.) But it was so much more than that to me, because it was also the first time I realized that comedy was actually a career path. It was possible to be so funny that total strangers would pay good money to gather around and hear what was on your mind, and no sooner did I realize this than I decided that it was for me.

Through high-school, being a comedian was still the goal, even if I never actually performed and tried to attract as little attention to myself as possible. That probably didn’t work very well, as I was still the weirdo who walked around with a tape recorder (lest a moment of genius go forgotten), but didn’t actually talk to anyone. But with the passage of time and countless empty laugh-breaks in day-to-day conversation, I came to both doubt and hate myself too much to ever try to perform. And while my obsession with comedy didn’t die, I would inevitably shift my focus to forms of writing where I could hide myself from the audience. I tried my hand at fiction, essays, you name it. And ultimately I fell into film because people finally started telling me how funny I was when I tried out the screenplay form (which, to be fair, also coincided with my first showing anyone something I’d written). Being both a terrible coward and a shameless praise-whore, I stuck with what seemed to be working.

But of course, it wasn’t really working. I still have no idea how to sell a screenplay or raise money for my own film, and my job in the isolated world of post-production limits my ability to network almost as badly as my lack of social skills does. Still, even as I grew disillusioned with the idea that I could ever make a living with my comedy, I secretly still wished that I could do stand-up. But I was so certain that I’d fail that I could never bring myself to try.

That is, until a few weeks ago. A friend suggested that we go to an open mic the following week, and I enthusiastically agreed under the assumption that he meant “go SEE an open mic.” It wasn’t until about three days before the show that I realized he’d meant “go DO an open mic.”

By that point, I didn’t want to admit my mistake or let my friend down, so I basically said, “fuck it, if I have to prepare something with no time and embarrass myself, that’s fine, I’ll never see these people again.” I renewed my commitment to this plan, even though I had absolutely nothing to support it. Fortunately, we ended up pushing the date a couple times, giving me a chance to write anything and at least make an effort at remembering some portion of it. But that moment where I decided that the transient nature of the audience in my life meant that it didn’t matter what they thought helped me to not only stop being afraid of the idea of performing, but to actually get pretty jazzed up about it.

The show itself was nothing special. It was an extremely amateur level event, with even the best comics faltering and using notes. And since the audience was almost completely made up of performers, they were all too afraid of being booed themselves to be harsh. But even so, it was just about the most thrilling and rewarding thing I’ve ever done. Over the last few years, in the absence of any hope of a screenwriting career, I’ve been looking for a way that I can write something more substantial than a Facebook status and actually have it make someone laugh. And to be able to stand up in front of an audience (as it were) and be able to make a stranger laugh with my words, hokey and generic as they may have been, was more gratifying than anything I’ve yet done with my post-collegiate years.

I’m a long way from being able to call myself a real “comedian.” And even if I work hard, I may never honestly make it to that level. (I’m already planning the business cards, though.) But I’ve whet my appetite for a crowd, and I look forward to giving it my best shot. And even if I do fail or quit, it’ll at least make for a better story than, “Hey, remember that time I lived in New York? Yeah, I didn’t really do anything interesting there. But I had some really good food while I wasn’t doing it.”

I’ll keep you all posted on how things develop. Even if no one reads this, I’d still like to thank everyone for being so supportive.

-TC

No "Santorum Drops Out" Jokes, I Swear

Rick Santorum finally called it quits this week in a move that was as inevitable as it was satisfying. Speaking generally, it is of course always gratifying to watch someone else fail and give up on their aspirations. More specifically, it’s nice to be reminded once in a while that the country isn’t filled with quite as many whack jobs as you might ordinarily suspect.

Santorum never had any real chance of becoming president, and it’s easy to see why. A couple weeks ago, he released a position paper in which he said he would “vigorously enforce” laws that “prohibit distribution of hardcore (obscene) pornography on the Internet,” as well as several other means of distribution, in order to put an end to the “pandemic of pornography.” First of all, “vigorously” is not a word that should ever be used in the same sentence as “pornography” if your goal is to elicit respect from an audience instead of cheap laughter. But more importantly, this is a nice example of one of the biggest problems with political campaigns, especially ones for high office. In order to have an effective campaign, you really have to run on a platform of things you’d like to do without regard for trifling matters like reason or practicality.

I don’t know if Mr. Santorum has been on the Internet lately, but stripping it of all it’s obscene content would be so tirelessly unproductive as to make Sisyphus give up and turn on Wheel of Fortune. The internet exists for the sole purpose of distributing breasts to as wide an audience as possible. E-commerce, social networking, lolcats, all these are byproducts of the most advanced pornographic collection ever conceived by man. You can’t even go to Toys R Us Online anymore without at least a couple pop ups for horny local singles moaning away in the background.

I’m not objecting to his right to be unhappy about that reality. But to believe he can do something about it is like saying, “I don’t like that my kids can’t drink from the ocean. I’m going to declare a war on salt! This president’s shameless pandering to Poseidon has created a pandemic of saline, and I won’t stand by while the needs of crustaceans are put above those of American kidneys.”

Fortunately, in the end he saw the error of his ways and shifted his gaze to the eradication of his own delegates. With the number of clicks that Bang Bus alone gets every day and the number of people who were willing to vote Santorum in 2012, the numbers should have spoken for themselves.

-TC

Blame Canada

Every now and then, I like to update everyone on the ever expanding list of reasons why I’m a bad person.  The most recent entry occurred a few days ago when I was riding home on the 7.  A man got on the train, and wasted no time in asking for our undivided attention.  He was, of course, a homeless person, and of course he was asking for money.  What made him remarkable was that part of his sales pitch revolved around his medical troubles, including a set of metal rods that had been installed in his body so that he could stand up straight.  In case any of us mistook this line for nothing more than a good hook, he pulled up his shirt and produced the the subcutaneous rods in question.

Now to be fair, my first thought was “Man, that’s horrible.  I should really give this guy some money.”  Unfortunately, that thought was quickly followed by, “Oh, hey!  I can finally get rid of that Canadian quarter in my pocket!”

I like to think that maybe he dreams of visiting Canada one day, and that I’ve helped him take the first step on his journey.  But the likelihood that the only thing standing between him and an international jaunt was foreign toll fare seems slim.

-TC

Rush to Her Defense

A lot of people were upset this past week when Rush Limbaugh weighed in on the recent contraceptive kerfuffle by making increasingly insulting personal attacks on a law student who testified about the merits of requiring birth control to be covered by insurance programs.  I, on the other hand, was not the least bit taken aback by his comments, as I’ve known since high school that Limbaugh is a walking bullhorn of ignorance whose job is to spout ill-informed and, ideally, inflammatory rhetoric at anyone who is more comfortable with the thoughts of a raving lunatic than being left alone with their own.  It’s what he does, and it’s what he’s been doing for a few decades now.

So when I read that he was making these comments, it didn’t bother me any more than when a man wearing Duane Reade bags as shoes tells me that the government is using pigeons to implant tracking devices while we sleep.  After all, he’s far more entitled to his opinion than he is to my attention.

This is not to say that he’s necessarily wrong for opposing Obama’s plans to have mandatory insurance coverage of birth control.  Even though I do not agree with his opinion, I am sure that many people hold similar views, and if asked, could articulate them in a calm, rational manner. But no matter the issue, Rush Limbaugh never has been one of those people, and he never will be.  Saying that Sandra Fluke was “having sex so frequently that she can’t afford all the birth-control pills that she needs” does less make his case than it does to demonstrate his ignorance of how birth control pills work.  (Their cost, after all, is not correlative to how often you get laid while using them, which is a good portion of the point.)  Similarly, his assertion that someone who has voluntarily appeared in court is a “prostitute” seems to suggest a fundamental misunderstanding of what a prostitute actually does.

In assessing whether or not Rush should even hold the power to create a controversy, it’s also worth remembering that we’re dealing with a full-time public speaker who has not yet managed to master the English language, something he abuses much more frequently and egregiously than law students.  And I don’t just mean saying that the word “slut” doesn’t represent a “personal attack,” or his extremely loose definition of the word “apology.”  Limbaugh writes in said apology, “I chose the wrong words in my analogy of the situation.”  One would think that if he can’t find the right words during a live radio session, he would at least make an effort to conjure the right ones in a prepared, written statement.  But the use of the word “analogy” in that sentence seems grossly incorrect.  Analogies are about comparing the similarities between two distinctly different things.  Did he mean to say Fluke is “like a slut?”  Maybe he meant for the analogy between the her and Obama’s birth control agenda?  But even then, using an individual instance to illustrate a broader problem isn’t an “analogy,” it’s a “case in point.”  If he wanted to make his allusions about the sexual promiscuity of an individual into a real analogy for the Obama administration’s plan, he should have said something more along the lines of, “If you give a girl free contraception, she’ll be as fucked as Obama’s birth control mandate!”

But, as they say, even idiots are entitled to their opinions (this one certainly is).  The real problem here isn’t that Rush Limbaugh said these things, or even that he said them in public.  The problem is that despite his inability to claim authority on any subject other than how much spit there is on his microphone, we’re all listening.  I think we’re the ones who really owe Ms. Fluke an apology.

-TC

Who Cares About the Poor?

One of the biggest political non-stories this week was of course Mitt Romney saying he’s not concerned about the very poor.  I call it a “non-story” because in spite of the attention garnered by his choice of words, he didn’t really say anything new this week, as most political hopefuls try to avoid doing most weeks.  It’s easy to take this kind of clumsy phraseology out of context and make jokes at his expense, as no end of commentators have been doing while they wait for a typo in a local headline to come along and steal their attention like a bird with a piece of shiny wrapping paper.  After all, whenever a rich white guy says he doesn’t care about the poor, it’s easy to conjure images of Uncle Pennybags lighting his cigar with an unpaid mortgage, or cleaning his monocle so he can more clearly make out a black girl’s tears when when her mother’s food stamps are rejected at the candy counter.  Really, the material just writes itself.

But more interesting than the hyperbole is the actual substance of what he was trying to say. The intended point was that the suffering of the poor shouldn’t be the focus of our attention right now because there are adequate safety nets to keep them from sinking any lower.  Welfare, Medicaid, food stamps, subsidized housing, all these things are in place and ready to keep the basic needs of our poorest citizens met.  According to the American ethos, it’s their own responsibility to raise themselves from the ghetto by their bootstraps.  But as a good Christian nation, we can at least make sure they can afford to put some Fancy Feast on the table while they’re there.

So instead of worrying about the comfortably impoverished, Mitt Romney thinks we should invest ourselves in the plight of those who actually have something to lose and no one to help them avoid getting caught like shrimp in the government’s trawling safety net, the middle class.  In the most generous sense, it’s like saying we shouldn’t worry about the guy with cancer because he’s already in the hospital getting the treatment he needs, and should instead worry about the kids who are about to start smoking.  In a more realistic sense, he’s effectively saying that being poor is only a problem if you’re not used to it.  It’s not about what street corner you sleep on, it’s about the journey that took you there, and there’s no shame in having to sell your blood for a sandwich as long as you weren’t selling cars last week.  What we need as a nation is a new safety net with bigger holes to keep the fat and happy middle class from falling into the second safety net, which is good enough for everybody else.

So the next time I see someone with a tin cup and no legs dragging himself along the floor of my subway car with his knuckles, I’ll tell him proudly that there’s no need for me to give him any change, as my tax dollars have already paid for his well-being, and a “thank you” would be nice.  And if on my way to work I see a man in a tinfoil space helmet shitting on the sidewalk, I’ll pause to ask if he’s ever had a job with dental insurance.  If my inquiries are met with incoherent mumblings instead of a long, sad story about his precipitous fall from middle management, I’ll just move on and stand somewhere that smells a bit nicer, secure in the knowledge that our government has seen to his plight already, or will at least clean it up off the sidewalk in a few hours.

-TC

The Alan Test

Principle: If you open a book to any page and start reading, you should be able to glean enough from a random sample of text to reveal the merits of the whole.

Subject: “The Spread Eagles,” an exploration of modern feminist theory, viewed through the prism of a raunchy, ultra-violent, lesbian biker film.

Experiment Location: A friend’s office, where the script in question was found on the floor while organizing and looking for things to feed into his brand new paper shredder.

Random Sample: “Holy Hooters, Steve!  When did the milk lady start delivering pizza?!”

Conclusions: My friend should have bought a bigger shredder.

-TC

Hollywood Communists

When I first heard about the Hollywood Blacklist of the 1950s, I was a bit confused.  Aside from the fact that McCarthyism seems a bit reactionary with the benefit of hindsight, the particular focus on the entertainment industry struck me as a bit unique.  Sure, part of the idea of propaganda is that you can disseminate a message on a population without their questioning or even noticing it, but even so, the idea that Zero Mostel could bring down Western Civilization with a Marxist bounce in his step seemed a bit far-fetched.  If you want to persecute communists infiltrating government, fine.  If you’re worried that those in charge of the financial sector might believe in redistribution of wealth, then lynch away!  But do people really expect that the red menace could brainwash the American public about the merits of communal living with such devious tools as Creature from the Black Lagoon 6: Creature Goes to Summer Camp?  Or did they just think that it was the obvious place for undesirables to mask their identities, what with the abundance of wigs and false mustaches floating around the dressing rooms?

What is more, it always seemed implausible to me that Hollywood would be any more replete with Communists than your average run of the mill tire factory.  That is, until a few weeks ago when I overheard something so shocking, so un-American that it shook my values to the core.

The company that I work for is currently shooting its first feature film.  In discussing all the various legal hoops they have to jump through in order to comply with unions and achieve tax exempt status, someone mentioned that according to official documentation, the Screen Actors Guild does not consider hamburgers and hotdogs to be a meal.  If there is any more fundamentally un-American statement than “a hot dog does not a meal make,” I don’t know what it is.

For the first time, I was outraged at the red menace.  I could care less if they have Harry Potter learning spells from a little red wizarding book, or send the USS Enterprise on a five-year mission to give space-workers control of the means of space-production.  But if I find myself in a retirement home, being waited on by a generation of youngsters that have been manipulated into believing that red meat and tubified animal byproducts don’t constitute food, I will fear for the future just as I will fear for my taste buds.

-TC

Craigslist

When Craigslist removed their adult services section, it was easy to wonder what relevance the site still held.  Sure, you could peruse the personal ads and find no end of women and muggers pretending to be women who will indulge your most obscure fetishes for nothing more than the satisfaction of a job well done, and perhaps “many roses.” But it’s just not the same. Even if our most depraved physical urges can be fulfilled with nothing more than a few clicks and a five-year-old’s knowledge of slang, we can’t openly acknowledge our greatest and most American turn-on, the love of entrepreneurial capitalism.  The money may change the same hands, but when you’re told to pay no attention to the business transaction behind the curtain, it can’t hold the same thrill if you’re told to pay no attention to the transaction behind the curtain.  Half the fun of “adult services,” and some might even say the better half, is watching a buxom young market player stand up and proudly declare, “I have a commodity that you value, and I’m willing to exchange it for an artificially raised premium.”  With no adult services section, independent commerce is once more relegated to the seedy underbelly of society where it must disguise itself as nothing more than run of the mill nymphomania, and the American economy pays the price.

But before Craigslist became the one-stop shop for hedonistic enterprise (though perhaps only minutes before), it was once known as a place to buy and sell less commonly erotic products, like moth-filled Tupperware and broken lamps.  Thanks to Craigslist, I once slept for eight months straight on an old futon mattress that cost me nothing more than the gas required to remove it from a musty old porch.  And, of course, I couldn’t have made it through my twenties without selling my fair share of shoddily designed and even more shoddily assembled Ikea furniture to people who are under the mistaken impression that any bookshelf, no matter how wobbly or soiled, is better than no bookshelf at all.

As a veteran Craigslist seller, I’ve learned to avoid some of the more common hazards of direct e-commerce the hard way.  I mean, I’ve never agreed to cash a substantial check for an eccentric doctor who would love my old dresser with only two jammed drawers, but is too busy vacationing in Rwanda to write one for the correct amount.  Nor have I ever agreed to ship a toaster unwaveringly set to “dark” halfway across the country in exchange for 200 times the asking price (that is, 2,000 times the actual value).  But I have learned some basics lessons from experience.

For example, you should never respond to anyone who, when offering to buy an item, opts to identify it simply as “the item.”  This is internet code for “I haven’t read your listing, but I’d like to offer you non-surgical assistance with the problem of your rather diminutive genitals.”  Similarly, when someone responds to a post that includes overly detailed descriptions and enough photos to fill a coffee table book by asking what the condition is, what they mean to say is, “I bet you’d like to know what girls do when left alone with farm animals, and I’d be more than happy to offer a solution to your quandary every fifteen minutes or so until you change email addresses.”

I’ve also learned to avoid bartering. Not that there’s anything wrong with bartering per se. I actually kind of like the idea of compensating my local doctor with co-pays of freshly baked pies or freshly slaughtered goats. But since New York tends not to be the first thing that springs to people’s minds when they hear the words “pastoral simplicity,” I tend to assume that if someone is trying to offer me something I didn’t ask for and don’t want, they’re also trying to screw me in the process.  Best case scenario, anything someone is willing to part with “fell off a truck in New Jersey,” which is of course a polite way of saying “receiving stolen goods.”  Worst case scenario, “my brand new iPod” is code for “knife with which I will entice you to give me your brand new iPod.”

Usually I just disregard any offers for trade.  But the other day I got an email from a man who was very excited to have “many deals” for me.  He was particularly excited about the idea of taking the old backup hard drive I was selling, for which I had asked $100, in exchange for “a pair of air jordans 17 that are worth 200 dollars and they come with a suitcase.”  And I have to admit, this caught my attention.

First of all, when I read the words “Air Jordans,” I could only assume that I’d accidentally stumbled upon the Queens Wormhole and had travelled back to 1996.  But after the disappointment of learning that Air Jordans are still in active production and that I didn’t have the premiere of Independence Day to look forward to, I shifted my focus to the suitcase.

It seemed an odd thing to include with a pair of shoes.  Was it meant as a free gift, like when an infomercial offers you a glow in the ark key chain for being so kind as to buy something you wouldn’t dream of owning if you weren’t delirious with insomnia?  Did the 17th iteration of Air Jordans come with an overnight bag because you’d jump so high that you’d need to get a hotel for the night before you landed?  Or did he just imagine that I would be so enamored with my new shoes that I’d immediately want to take them on a romantic getaway to some remote island? Someone suggested to me that the man in question might not speak English as his first language, and it was a case of poor translation due to limited vocabulary.  But it seems odd to me that someone would learn the word “suitcase” before the word “box” in any language.  Unless, of course, Manuel had made it all the way from Torquay to New York, and was ready to sell his only possession, the shoes that brought him here.

I was tempted to inquire further, but in the end I was still worried about the prospect that he might mistake my interest in his offer for interest in receiving email updates about the goings-on of Asian ladyboys, so I let the deal slide.  I’ll just have to keep wondering if I’ve made the right decision until I finally meet the shoe of my dreams, which can offer me the comfort and support I need so we can pack up our belongings and run away together.  In the meantime, I’ll just have to keep stuffing my luggage, like my feet, in a series of Duane Reade bags.

-TC