Eye Contact
As I was standing on the subway platform today, a young woman kept looking at me. Whether she was mentally undressing me or thinking about how funny I look is hard to say. But I never got the chance to find out, as the New York routine has become so ingrained in me that all I could think was “don’t make eye contact, she’ll want a dollar.”
The same thing happened a few minutes later on the train, as a young man clearly started making eyes in my direction. But he smiled, which suggests that either he wasn’t mentally undressing me or he has a very poor imagination.
-TC
Texting
A study was announced today which said that texting while driving considerably increases the likelihood of crashing. I’m glad we’re taking the time to answer the really pressing questions. So glad, in fact, that I can’t even wait for a red light to share this ground breaking news.
-TC
Chicken
As I was on my way into the office this morning, I passed by a row of homeless people begging for change. Next to the four or five homeless people was a man in a giant chicken costume squawking at passersby. I was stunned to realize that the depth of this recession is so great that not even chickens can count on a living anymore.
-TC
Tech Ed.
When I was in seventh or eighth grade, we were required to take a class called Tech Ed. In it, we learned about basics of design, use of various shop tools, and other technical skills. One project they had us perform involved building something that would remove a golf ball from a long, thin tube. The most common solution was some sort of broom handle with something sticky on the end of it.
I recalled this project today when I got off the train at Union Square, and found a man using an umbrella to fish bottles and cans out of the bottom of a garbage can that was too tall and had too small an opening for him to simply reach into. That’s when I realized that when Brattleboro Union High School taught us basic principles of engineering, they were really preparing us for our most likely future careers.
Thanks, Brattleboro!
-TC
Screenplay
I just finished the first draft of my first original screenplay in about four years. Being a first draft, it more or less completely sucks, but I’m writing again, and that’s the important thing. It currently clocks in at 132 pages. Hopefully when I whittle out some of the more overtly awful bits, it’ll start working its way down to a more manageable length.
-TC
Travel Agent
Next door to my office is a small travel agency. They are constantly trying to lure people in with free sandwiches, men on stilts, raffle drawings, and other such gimmicks. As a good New Yorker, I usually make a point to either avoid eye contact or scowl derisively as I pass by on my way to lunch. But today I was passing by, and a woman shouted “real live penguin inside!” I must say, I was a bit intrigued by this. The prospect of seeing a penguin on my lunch break was almost enough of an incentive to interrupt the flow of my day. Almost.
-TC
Old Woman
Today I came home from work, much as I do most days. Shortly thereafter, I had to run out to take care of a small errand. On my way out the door, I found an old woman sitting on my front step reading the newspaper. I looked at her quizzically, and she said, “I’m just resting a moment, I got out of the hospital a couple days ago.” I replied, “That’s fine,” and continued on my merry way. After about a block, it dawned on me that this was the first time I’d actually spoken to another person all day long. It was a sobering thought to realize that the most interaction I had had with another human being consisted entirely of deciding not to kick a crippled old lady off my stoop. I briefly toyed with the idea of calling the police, just so I’d have someone else to talk to. Ah, well. Another lost opportunity.
-TC
DMV
As a child of the eighties, I grew up with The Department of Motor Vehicles being one of the most common targets for comedians looking for a quick laugh. Long lines, inept employees, all general comedy fodder that I never really gave much thought to. However, I have now been trying to renew my license by mail since late May, so far to no avail. And one of the reasons for the hold up is that each time I resubmit my application (I’m on try number 3 now), I have to wait three business days to find out whether or not it’s being processed. Now, this is not because it takes three days to process a form. That would just be silly. Instead, it takes three days because apparently the Vermont DMV has a policy of not even opening, much less processing their mail for three days after it arrives. I assume this is to let the mail settle.
So now with the benefit of more worldly experience, I feel confident in saying, “Paul Reiser, you were absolutely right.”
-TC
Cats
I’ve been living with a cat for the last two weeks, and it has only further cemented my belief that cats are in fact better than people. My reasoning goes like this: the cat woke me up at 6:00 a.m., then threw up on me at 7:00 a.m. (perhaps in response to my refusal to leave the bed). However, in spite of this, I still felt less annoyed than I do by simply walking into my own apartment and knowing that other people sometimes live there.
-TC
Empathy?
As most are probably already aware, the media has been in a tizzy this past week over Barack Obama’s statement that one of the qualities he would seek in a new Supreme Court Justice is empathy. Now, as we all know, the ability to empathize with another is the ability to experience his thoughts or feelings. Through empathy, we can understand someone else’s plight and judge it in the context of our own experiences, desires, and moralities. In so doing, we are forced to think of other people not as abstractions but as equals to whom our own fundamental ideas of right and wrong continue to apply, even when we are not directly effected. As a result, the continued functionality of society is taken outside the realm of basic self interest and a communal ideal can foster a civilization governed by mutual responsibility. And, of course, there is only one word for a society governed by a communal ideal: Communism!
As there is absolutely no place for any such sense of common responsibility in our fine legal system, I propose that our president do the only reasonable, rational thing one could do when faced with this difficult nomination: he should refit Peter Weller and make Robojudge our next Justice of the Supreme Court. He and Justice ED-209 should have some interesting and productive discussions when the next seat opens up.
-TC
Quiche
I was chatting with a friend online and informed her that I was making a quiche. When she asked what kind, I replied, “Oh, just my standard quiche.”
Does the fact that I have a standard quiche make me a loser? I prefer to think that everyone else is a loser for not having a standard quiche.
-TC
Phil Spector
Today, after many years of extended court battles and public speculation, Phil Spector was finally found guilty of murdering Let It Be.
The most interesting thing about the actual murder case for me was the discovery that the actual victim, perhaps best known for her role in the 1980’s classic Fast Times at Ridgemont High, also appeared in a film entitled Amazon Women on the Moon. Really, with a name like that, how could I have not seen this movie, and more importantly, how could it not be the most amazing thing ever?
-TC
Vermont
As you have all probably noticed by now, Vermont recently became the fourth state to allow same-sex marriages. I can’t speak for anyone else, but I for one am horrified by this development. I will never be able to visit my home state again without fear that when I walk into a good Christian gas station and try to pay for a Snickers bar with my credit card, I will sign my receipt and find that I have legally bound myself in unholy matrimony to another man.
This shortsighted act of the Vermont legislature infringes upon all of our civil liberties by insisting people have the right to make personal choices, and there is only one word for allowing such appalling freedom of choice: socialism. That’s right, when a man marries another man, it not only makes them gay, it also makes them a card carrying anti-American, terrorist loving, pinko commie scum. (The font on the cards is very small.) But not to worry, the weight of sin added onto the unwashed backs of Vermont’s hippie locals will no doubt cause the entire state to dislodge and sink into Lake Champlain. Which, as I am sure you are all aware, is the doorway straight to Hell. Why else would a giant monster be living in it?
Seriously, though. Good for you, Vermont. Let’s hope more states continue to follow your example.
-TC
A Defining Moment
Today I had an experience that really defined the experience of living in New York City. I was on the E Train riding into Manhattan. As I looked down the train, I saw a man to my left who was screaming at anyone who made the mistake of making eye contact (read: me and some tourists) to ask for a quarter. Sitting directly across from him to my right, there was a woman with unusually large, trendy sunglasses and a portable DVD player, busily banging on the remote, trying desperately to get it to work.
The lesson is, everyone has their own unique problems. And mine largely consist of learning not to make eye contact with people who will shout at me.
-TC
Consultants
Apparently, my company just had some consultants watch our show to get feedback, and they hated EVERYTHING. More to the point, they paid $10,000 for that opinion. I could have told them that for ten grand. Hell, I would have told them that for fifty bucks and a sandwich.
-TC
Quote of the Day
“This carpet smells like pie.”
In my defense, it did. It’s been a long, long day.
-TC
Son of Jollibee
For those of you who follow the goings on of my life, I wanted to give an update on the Jollibee situation. Okay, really, I’m just bored and thought the act of typing might keep my mind occupied for a few minutes.
My friend and I recently decided to to give the food a shot. Considering that their menu includes such delightful desserts as creamed corn in shaved ice topped with corn flakes, how could we not? Unfortunately, after spending the better part of two hours in line, I was disappointed to discover that none of the shockingly disgusting things I’d discovered online were available at this particular restaurant. All we were left with was a mediocre interpretation of “American” food. This was quite the disappointment, as I could get a mediocre interpretation of American food by wandering into any of the eight thousand McDonald’s in this city. Furthermore, I discovered that apparently when they say “American Style,” what they mean is “drenched in mayonaise.”
There was one unusually gross item on the menu, but it didn’t pique my curiosity quite enough to merit exploration. They serve spaghetti at Jollibee, but with the wry twist of throwing hot dogs in the sauce.
But I thought it was odd that it was taking us so long to get our food, as the line wasn’t really all that long, it just wasn’t moving. Upon finally arriving at the cash register, I looked at what everyone else was ordering, and I discovered that the reason the line moved so slowly is that everyone in it but us was ordering a hundred dollars worth of fried chicken to take back to their Filipino families. To their credit, the fried chicken was alright, and not smothered in mayonnaise.
-TC
The Most Annoying Sound
The latest front runner on my ever expanding list of things that are irritating to hear on a subway platform is a man playing the tuba. Unless you’re John Phillip Sousa, you have no reason to go around subjecting people to the sound of the tuba, much less in what essentially constitutes a large echo chamber.
But while I’m on the subject of things I’ve seen in the subway, I must admit I was thoroughly amused by the image of cookie monster and a skunk playing the xylophone for money. If anyone knows cookie monster, tell him that the creepy guy on the internet is a big fan.
-TC