Vermont

As you have all probably noticed by now, Vermont recently became the fourth state to allow same-sex marriages. I can’t speak for anyone else, but I for one am horrified by this development. I will never be able to visit my home state again without fear that when I walk into a good Christian gas station and try to pay for a Snickers bar with my credit card, I will sign my receipt and find that I have legally bound myself in unholy matrimony to another man.

This shortsighted act of the Vermont legislature infringes upon all of our civil liberties by insisting people have the right to make personal choices, and there is only one word for allowing such appalling freedom of choice: socialism. That’s right, when a man marries another man, it not only makes them gay, it also makes them a card carrying anti-American, terrorist loving, pinko commie scum. (The font on the cards is very small.) But not to worry, the weight of sin added onto the unwashed backs of Vermont’s hippie locals will no doubt cause the entire state to dislodge and sink into Lake Champlain. Which, as I am sure you are all aware, is the doorway straight to Hell. Why else would a giant monster be living in it?

Seriously, though. Good for you, Vermont. Let’s hope more states continue to follow your example.
-TC