The Continuing Adventures of Oatmeal Girl
I woke up the other day and found my house infested with young people. I wasn’t especially thrilled about this development, as I dislike youth on principle, what with their vitality and hope for the future and all. But I assumed they belonged to my roommate somehow and thought nothing of it. After a quick shower, I wandered into the kitchen to get some water and found myself confronted with a young girl, maybe 16 or 17, who as best as I could tell was wearing nothing more than a blanket. I think she was my roommate’s sister, who I’d only met once in passing when it was very dark out, but I didn’t have time to confirm this suspicion. As I entered the room, she held out a bowl and asked, “Is…is this what you use to make oatmeal?” Extrapolating from the packets of oatmeal on the counter and the almost boiling pot of water, I read the intent of this question as “is this what I should eat oatmeal out of?” Horrified by the prospect that I was in the same room as a half naked and potentially underage girl who hadn’t mastered such complex concepts as how a bowl works, I said “it could be,” and left.
That was my first encounter with Oatmeal Girl. The next day, I was getting out of the shower when I heard the bathroom door creak open slightly. Again, I thought nothing of it, as the door hasn’t closed enough to latch since I moved in, so I figured a draft must have nudged it a bit. But when it creaked further still, I decided to have a peek outside to make sure nothing was out there preparing to murder me or sell me encyclopedias or anything. Peering around the edge of the door, I found myself face to face with Oatmeal Girl, who appeared to have been spying on me as I was toweling off. She apologized and asked for a bar of soap, which I awkwardly handed her while hiding my shame behind the door.
When you realize that the only person to have seen you naked in the last few years is quite possibly the dumbest, unskilled, underage voyeur alive, it’s difficult to argue that life is going according to plan.
-TC